I wrote this crying as I was leaving the Dr’s office, and then for about 3 hours after, still crying.

I took my IUD out

No I’m not ready to have kids, I want to be more in touch with my own body.

I’m terrified because now I won’t be invincible it feels like I’ve had a weight lifted off my shoulders for the past four years and now I have something to worry about again other than, you know, daily anxiety.

I almost feel as though I’m saying goodbye to my youth, to feeling willy-nilly to feeling random. Like maybe I didn’t take as much advantage of it as I should have, I could just get another one put in though on the same token however it was so painful the first time I don’t know if I want to do that again.

The IUD, you gave me an opportunity that I think women in the past I never got to experience. I had pregnancy   risk-free sex with my boyfriend for four years. Sometimes I wish we were seahorses so my partner could be the one to carry the children because I know he wouldn’t be as anxious about it as I would but I could probably still take the pain better.

I tried to keep myself from crying on the way out of the office but I walked outside of the sky was so bright it’s so sunny something that I feel like I’ve missed for a long time and that was my silver lining.  Plus an older lady made a joke about how far away her car was and I laughed out loud and it felt really good. Not only to laugh out loud but to acknowledge someone else’s effort of communication and connection as a human.

I’m still crying as I talk to text right this because I feel as though I’ve made a big decision don’t feel ready for the consequences. No, I don’t need to have a baby right now and there are still things I can do to prevent that but I don’t like to be caught by surprise by my body at all so I feel like I’m taking a risk right now that maybe will stretch me emotionally which will ultimately make me stronger but right now it’s really really scary.

It dawned on me that my tears could be expressing the last bits of artificial hormones and maybe I’m crying to expel it.

I just had a memory of being at my Bubbies house in the kitchen. Favorite places at her house, maybe that’s where we spent the most time not because she was the greatest cook, although she wasn’t terrible. That’s where we did all of her talking that’s where we did all of our expressing her feelings and eating. I know she’s with me right now with me in my DNA in my spirit even though it’s been 10 years. Almost exactly to the day.

I’ve always been kind of confused about my relationship to womanhood and I haven’t had a period for the last four years since I’ve had this device so now I’m going to have to have puberty all over again although this time I have an app for it. I even got a journal with the moon phases in it because I felt so disconnected from myself into rhythm in my life

A whole month later (also unedited, but adjusted for clarity)

After having the ID removed I realized it made me really depressed, so depressed I couldn’t eat.

I remember asking the nurse at Planned Parenthood about the depression risk and she was like no that’s not such a big deal.

But now that I look back at my life the last few years I can see how it went down in a spiral. I remembered what it was like to be younger and to not have these depressive feelings and thoughts. and I know it’s easy to look back and say I was happier then without the complications of adulthood and worries and life and the state of the union but I realize that I haven’t been hormone free since I was 15.

When I was in high school I was put on a pill and I was overly emotional and angry and I will get in fights a lot with my boyfriend although he was a little ridiculous at that age too.

I remember switching pills and immediately feeling better much less emotional much less aggressive I had a longer fuse.

While I was on the pill it was really good. I got good at going with the flow with groups of people not necessarily listening to my heart or the beating of my own drum.

After 15 years on hormones I can say now that I can feel the difference between a thought that just pops in my head versus an overwhelming bodily experience of emotion.

I know that other people find that their emotions are much more in check when they’re on hormones.

But now I can tell when I’m having a feeling. I can ask myself I can actually separate myself from the emotion much better than I could before and see that it is not a dark cloud that lives over me all the time but maybe just a thought that floats by like a cloud and I can choose to look at it or not look at it. I can choose to ignore it or not. I can choose to acknowledge it or not but the differences now I can separate myself from the flood the rush of emotion.

The reason I think this is the most interesting is because I haven’t bled in the past four years because I’ve been on the IUD. I have lost touch with any kind of cyclical nature other than the seasons in a year and I have completely forgotten how to rest and take a break.

I feel like I’m going through puberty again. Maybe I’m mirroring my mom in menopause, who also feels like she’s going through puberty again. I’m like, when will you arrive? Should I never wear white? Why are my boobs sore, omg am I pregnant.

Well, within a few days of the tracking app, I’ve gotten my period. On my boyfriend’s birthday. And boy do I feel like 12 year old me wanting crunches in PE to relieve the ache. I missed it, and I know that sounds bizarre, but I’m so grateful to have that happening in my body again. Who knows how long it will take to get regular, and if I will. I kind of want to ask my mom to slap the fertility into me again. Like she did when I got it the first time when I was 11. Maybe I’ll wait for that one……………………

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