I always think about how I want to have my life together before I have kids.
House, job, healthy food, consistent exercise and meditation routine……………….
I want to set a strong foundation for my future children to grow and prosper in a safe way.
“see mommy taking care of herself, for herself?”
On the other hand, it has been so profound to see my mom rebirth herself. We started working on our “selves” around the same time. I had a breakdown because I didn’t want to be afraid of my body and germs anymore, and she had her heart crushed (after quite a few years of acting like she was okay).
We both knew life had to be different. Neither of us wanted to feel that way again.
So badly. Like. The deepest pools of our emotions had been tapped and there was no going back. We’d been selected to undertake a journey of feelings that we hadn’t given ourselves the time or space to address.
The truth was, neither of us had recovered from my grandmothers death. She was everything.
She poked and prodded us re: our emotions so much, it was exhausting. She knew something we didn’t. She knew we had to express these things, not only to move on, but to heal others.
I feel her presence daily. I know that I’m doing her work– continuing her work with women and emotions— that feels so real– of all the things on a daily basis, that’s what keeps me going.  To grieve for her is to give to the world what she was so passionate about– she taught me to heal others, she taught me to heal myself to heal others. whoa.
My Bubbie was always so put together, but now that she’s gone I realize she did that to have some consistency and care. She was obsessed with how she looked on the outside and by example, passed on some feelings of self image hatred. By putting lipstick on everyday, even to go to the doctors, she was giving herself a little gift of love.
I have a love hate relationship with make up. I don’t want to feel like I’m insufficient without it, yet I’m so embarrassed by my skin’s blatant exposure of my stresses.
When I was in a competitive marching band, I was a musician — basically a man— I wore the men’s uniform instead of the cute color guard dresses. One day, I decided to put make up on before a show— even though no one would see it under my huge hat and laser-glare.  It made me feel so good, when I’d been doing for months was practicing for the good of the group. What was I doing for me? We were fed and told when to sleep and shower– how much space was there for individuality?
This became my favorite show prep. Just for me. I realized that we all need a little prep ritual.
Cut to 4 years later— I never want to wear make up because I cry so much. It’s easier to just be “hippie Becca” that doesn’t subscribe to pressure. It turned into not showering for days, obsessing over every pimple, sleeping and wearing the same clothes.
What was I doing? I justified by saying “we’re in a drought” or, “make up is a mask— and I’m not afraid!”
This Alicia keys thing is pretty cool btw!
Anyway— I was reading about a woman who collects toiletries for homeless people and how sometimes they go for days without showering, living in their car, and going to work that pays for them to eat– just a little bit.
I was shocked at how I was treating myself. I was so displeased with myself, I was treating myself like I didn’t have  ANYTHING. This is kind of an extreme perspective, I realize, but the point is, I have a home, a car, food, tons of clothing, and many friends, yoga classes— and I believed I didn’t deserve any of it.
Why is it so hard to take care of ourselves just for ourselves?
Here are some less extreme (depending on who you talk to) things I was doing to not take care of myself.
-waiting to pee until I was going to burst “it’s okay, I want to get home to my clean bathroom”
-waiting to eat “this deadline is more important, I’ll eat after”
-being on Facebook for hours looking at other people’s lives “why does she keep succeeding?? I’m trying so hard and I’m not getting anywhere”
When you’re starving yourself, comparing yourself, and not letting yourself use the bathroom— you are being tortured and you’re NOT going to get the desired results.
What are some ways that you can be nicer to yourself?

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