“I don’t know where I’m bleeding from.” A nervous person after a procedure. (A nervous uninformed person after a procedure.)
-Does it move while I exercise? Will it lodge as I try to tighten and strengthen my abs? No, Becca.
-will it fall out if I try to push poop?
-Is it lodged now, I’m bleeding.
-How about now? Is it lodged?
Countless check ups later both with my doctor and text consults with my best friend’s mom, a midwife of over 25 years.
4 years. That’s what I was worried about.
Not the fact that I was taking longer and longer to get out of bed every day.
Not the fact that I wasn’t eating until 1pm every day, then having sugar rush anxiety attacks.
Not the fact that I wasn’t working, and not making work for myself in the business that I had dreamed of since I was 4 and making phone deals, or 7 and glueing everything in my room, 9 making fashion magazines with my bestie, or 11 and making my own jewelry and clothes, and 14 not caring what anybody felt about what I was wearing because it made me feel magical and confident.
Yes, life changes us, and there are tons of experiences and events that I’m not including, but that’s because those were all external stimulus. Who cares about what goes on around you, when the inner flame is out?
It took me 4 years to figure it out. At first I was exhilarated that I didn’t need to take a pill every day like I had for the past 10 years. That I didn’t need to use a condom (still terrifying). That sex could be spontaneous and not terrifying for risk of major consequences.
It started with insane mood swings, but only related to work– maybe the direction I was taking was wrong, how was I supposed to know #entrepreneurship. I was having major fights with my boyfriend, he eventually told me he didn’t want me to lecture him. WHOA, I’m not a lecturer, I wasn’t letting him get any of his words or feelings in whoa!
I remember being very emotional in high school the first time I was on the pill, but this felt different – “I know myself better than that, I would know!”
Then it became harder and harder to get up to go workout. I was cancelling last minute things that I looked forward to for months. I never wanted to leave my house, and I was beginning to feel like I was headed for another breakdown. (The first one? Quarter life crisis, no job out of school, and no qualifications for anything but teaching summer camp–pretty awesome btw until the teenagers. lol, terrified of sickness and contagious things, eating nothing for fear of throwing it up) Didn’t want to go back there. I knew something wasn’t right.
I actually had 24 hour insanity where I thought I wanted to break up with my sweetie. But again, that was an external stimulus, and my yoga teacher reminded me (and brought me back down to earth) with the phrase “I am at peace with the unknown”. I knew I didn’t want to leave him, but I felt insane, like nothing in my life was mine.
I am at peace with the unknown I am at peace with the unknown I am at peace with the unknown.
This same teacher encouraged me to have this removed for about a year. I didn’t know the damage it was causing other than filling me with artificial hormones, possibly making it harder to conceive later.
The three-year-to-make-babies plan has been delayed, but I said I’d take it out when I turned 30 either way. As soon as I did turn 30, it was like, “okay, mentally prepare, Becca. You know what pain is coming, and you know what you have to do to maintain your lifestyle after this choice is made.”
And then I got it out. Stay tuned for the next installment to read my immediate reaction– not edited, except for clarity………